Farewell San Francisco 

Reise / Tanker / September 1, 2017

The time has come. My ship has been anchored for too long to one bay. Social pressure of settling down, growing up, starting a family and just being normal is nagging in the back of my head. Hah, but that ship has sailed… I’m actually cruising on a complete different ship in this very moment. Like the saying goes, you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

It happened again. We got restless. Fuck the itchy feet! I could give you many reasons to stay in San Francisco, but none of these would justify turning this one reason down to jump on board. I have always had a slight scare for the deep waters. Maybe it is more like respect… Respect for something so powerful and admirable. When the storm hits the surface the seabed continues its eternal meditation. The howling wind and raging waves hide the undisturbed harmony of fish and seaweed. That’s how I wish my mind worked. I wish my mind was as undisturbed by the destructible chaos around me. This hurricane hit me hard.


What is home? This is the one question I’m struggling with the most. I can’t find home, and trust me, I’ve looked. I’m like an airplant; I don’t really need my own soil to survive. But surviving is not the same as thriving. Remember that! Being alive does not mean you are living your life. I think the concept of love and the concept of home are very similar. You know what it is when you find it, so if you don’t know whether it is the right thing then it’s not what you are looking for. Simple as that, and that’s why my love and I have to keep looking. I need to follow my heart and this beating little muscle tells me to swim over the ocean. Even if it means I’ll get a heart attack.


I started a new job. The work, the people, the product was perfect. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that I got my first promotion after just a month in my new role. While working my ass off I was also trying to coordinate a wedding on the other side of the globe. And then when I just thought I had entered the top level of stress management, our lives were turned upside down, literally. Honey, we are moving to Australia, Down Under! Pack up your life and let’s go! I cried a little, I screamed a little… But the worst thing you can do when caught in the current is to fight against it. Let the power of waves bring you further out into the ocean, float, and survive. I’m a survivor.


Childhood memories of my very first visit to Australia makes my life seem so ironic. I was the one left on the beach, while the rest of my family walked further and further into the ocean outside of Perth. I was the one screaming and crying after my family to come back in, there were bloody sharks in the Australian waters!!! Now, the table has turned. I have water up to my neck, and my pack is left on the beach crying my name. As the sharks start circling around me my heart is beating faster and faster. But then my survival instinct takes over. I clinch my fists and dip my head under the surface, away from the hurricane, and that’s when I see that the sharks are actually dolphins. The soft rhythm of the water makes me forget about the chaos above. My mind is calm, my mind can now swim below in peace.

So as I’m packing up my existence here in San Francisco, I can’t help but notice that I’m sitting on the same bare floor as I did almost 2 years ago the day I moved in. The only difference is that the empty moving boxes back then are now full. My head back then was empty and ready for more, my head now is overflowing and shouting, “STOP”. My mind saw things differently back then (link to blog post). I was more naive. This city has hardened me, which can be viewed as both negative and positive. I have seen and experienced things I’m happy I didn’t know before I moved here, I might not have gone if I knew what was in front of me.


I’m looking out the window onto the street I now know way too well. I have mixed feelings about this place, it had everything I thought I wanted. But the thing is that life has a sick humor; when you get what you want it might not be what you thought it was going to be. San Francisco was for sure a gift and I’ll always cherish my memories from The American Dream. So while you can curse the evil you have seen you can’t deny it has added edge to your life. We all need to feel the world’s rough sandpaper in order to polish our inner diamond. I’m shining, and I’m smiling because I know this is just the start of something crazier. Life can be deep as long as you give it meaning, so swim out from the shallow waters.

Wish me good luck, ship ahoy!

 

Best Regards
Renate

Quote Of The Day:
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.”
— John Pierpont “J.P.” Morgan






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