Another year has gone past. Another year filled with new memories that will shape the years ahead. I think the most valuable lesson I have learnt this year is that letting go of the ultimate plan is the best plan I have made so far. After I did my big Asia trip I realized, like many before me, that life is too short to not live it. I used to plan everything. I knew my path and I was determine to walk it right. The right way… I used to think that I could control my future in the direction I wanted it to go. I lived after a plan and I sometimes forgot to appreciate the flowers I walked past. I finished my whole to-do-list, but the times when I suddenly stepped off the path, that’s when I really lived. That’s when I fell in love, that’s when I almost choked on laughter, that’s when I found passion, and that’s when I decided to leave my life for another person. Some might see this ‘controlled plan’ as a drive, a drive that can take you places. And some believe that if you do not know your end destination you do not have a drive: You are a drifter, a person who has no real purpose, no ambition…
After I decided to let go of my controlled plan I felt that people started looking down at me. People that I admired and saw as some of my closest. I think the reason was because they didn’t recognize this new me. People do not naturally like changes, even if it is sometimes for the better. They saw a person that used to be a control freak let go of her control. I became an ambitious drifter. That means I do not longer plan for what I will become, but rather embrace what I am. I don’t know what I will do in the future! STOP ASKING ME WHAT MY PLAN IS!!!!!! I don’t have a plan, and I am sick of defending myself for living the life! My blood is rushing as I am writing this. I am angry. I am angry because the only person in this world who has the permission to question my view on life is myself, and that is the only person who is apparently happy with my unplanned plan. I spent way too much money on my education, I spent way too much time and energy on securing myself a key to a superb career. So much that people do not understand why I suddenly want a break. I never gave myself that break, I never gave myself a chance to reflect on my direction in life. I knew what everyone else was expecting of me and I made sure I created that perfect profile people nagged about. Traveling forces you to take a step back, and that’s exactly what I did. I took so many steps that I lost my path. Do you know what? This is the first time in life I do not have a destination in mind, and this is the first time I know I am in the right direction.
What is really sad is that everyone knows this feeling I’m talking about. They know how much they hate being pressured to have an answer of their future, but still everyone asks everyone what their future will bring. No one knows what the future will bring, so the only ones who are actually speaking the truth are the ones who say “I do not know”. It’s meant as a polite question to open up a friendly conversation, but that’s not the result of it. Even people who currently are in a career path do not like being asked what their ‘real goal’ is. The question is indirectly saying that “surely this is not where you want to be, this is not really what you should ultimately be doing”. I am not saying that we should not get jobs, get dinner on the table or chase our dreams. I am saying I have a future, but it is not taking over my present. That future will come, but the present will soon be the past, so wouldn’t it be sad if we couldn’t smile at the memory of our past? What if tomorrow never came? What if you did nothing special with your life before the ultimate goal, and then one day before reaching this goal you vanished? I was in this strange place where I was being dragged in so many directions. I still am. Instead of letting myself being dragged along I stubbornly jumped down onto my ass, crossed my arms, and closed my eyes. I could hear so many different voices screaming at me to get up. Moving to a country and not being able to legally work for some time became a reason to isolate out the noise. Now when the earplugs are out I am overwhelmed with choices. As the voices are penetrating my skull I can feel my eyes filling up with frustration. Never have I felt so small. Scrolling down the list of positions fills my mouth with a bittersweet taste. I refuse to apply to anything that does not interest me, and this is just another reason for people to raise their eyebrow. I know what I want, and when I find it I will chase it like a bloodthirsty fox. Let me do my scrolling, let me find my own way, in my own time. I am asking for acceptance of not knowing what my future will bring. I am asking for acceptance of the truth. I am one year older. One year wiser? My birthday week has done me well, it has been a great procrastination. Now as I am running back and forth on my path, bumping into trees, and falling over rocks, I am doing my best to find my way. I will take a few wrong turns and I will scratch my skin on twigs, but as long as the scenery is giving me a reason to live who cares about when I get there?
Your final destination is unknown so make sure you travel with style.
Quote Of The Day:
“Live every day as if it were going to be your last; for one day you’re sure to be right.”
– Harry Morant