I need to capture this moment. I need to breath in my freedom, don’t rush it. I need to take my time… Too late! Fuck, I’m in deep water; sinking like a lifeless rock. Equalise the pressure, Renate, slow down, you are going down too fast! I am done, I’m done with the life I know, and I am about to take one of life’s hardest decisions. The water in my lungs are turning into concrete, and if I do not think fast I’ll be just another dead body sleeping on the seabed. It’s just a paper, and the only thing it needs is my signature. Should I? I should, and I will. Give me the fucking pen and I’ll smile like the cocky loser I am, while I let the letters of my name fall down on the paper. My name should mean more to me than this, where is my self respect?! I lost it when I fell in love. I have fallen for a dream far away and this paper is going to bring the dream into reality. What am I waiting for? What am I scared of?
Have you ever questioned your own ability to take care of yourself? I do all the time. I am that person who would sign up for a marathon with a broken leg and no training. I will throw up from the pain and I will probably come last, but the pride will be mine. My body is my key to the playground and playgrounds are made for small demons’ pleasure. Have fun with it, push it, hate it, love it! I remember one of my first meetings with the playground. I was 6, had the reddest hair you can imagine and a matching temper. I was probably half of the size of a normal 6 year old girl, but I had the loudest stubbornness of any child. I got into trouble, often. My big mouth did not match my non-existent muscles. The biggest bully of the playground was picking on another girl. That girl was my friend. My loyalty to my friends has always been the source of trouble, but I do not regret it, even when my loyalty was not returned. My ‘friend’ ran off and I was left with a furious bully. I had pushed him over and he had fallen straight on his face. I took the hits for what I believed was right. I ended up hating the playground, until I grew muscles matching my personality. High school’s playground taught me that the biggest bullies are not the ones with the biggest muscles but the ones with the biggest lies. They are snakes that spread poison into your friends’ ears. I was used to fighting like a guy, I was not used to being hated by girls. I got into trouble and my ‘friends’ ran off. I hated the playground even more, until I gained enough poison to make an antidote. The lies of the snake bit the bitch back and my ‘friends’ faked their loyalty to me. But the redhead had left the playground and she was now ready to leave the demons behind her. I signed a paper. I ran away from Norway to a new ground. I had my claws out and I didn’t want any ‘friends’. I was just waiting for a bully to show his or her face. It turned out that this new playground was the place I was going to meet karma. Karma is a bitch, they say. Hah! The playground’s demons became my playmates, and who would have guessed that these demons were actually beautiful angels. I’m not running away from the playground anymore, but I’m leaving it… I’m leaving behind what I know and I am now going to sign a new paper that will take me on a ride through the grown ups’ playground. I’m a lost puppy that is playing with the mighty wolves. I’ll growl my name over the paper and I’ll force you to eat it! Bring it on.
Photos are taken from the stunning Kuang Si Falls in Laos
Quote Of The Day:
“Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it.”
― Tim Fargo